Sayings
Illusion
1. A scared man standing with his knees shaking looks remarkably similar to the cocky, self-assured man during an earthquake. Appearances are merely optical illusions.
2. Isn't it amazing that of all the living creatures, great and small, only "man" can find himself homeless?
3. To strive for perfection is a human trait. To believe you've already obtained it, is also unfortunately a human trait.
4. When dealing with psychotics, act crazy.
5. The best thing about a photographic memory is you never forget. The worst thing about a photographic memory is you never forget.
6. He, who laughs the loudest, hurts the most.
7. A nice thing about ageing is you can retell the past, not the way it happened but the way you remember it.
8. Sometimes you have to say "Hi" to the devil to peacefully pass by.
9. History is apparently not a good teacher.
10. He was so wild and carefree, and now in his death at the cemetery, he seems so grounded.
11. The poor often go to the same places as the rich. They just go in by different doors.
12. I'm not a liar. I'm just misinformed.
13. The old man, unsure of himself, wishes he could remember the days of his youth when he knew everything.
14. I have a hole in my heart. I fill it up with camouflage.
15. Keep a leery eye on everything, even the crescent moon is hiding something.
Inspiring
16. Is that the wind blowing the flowers, or are the flowers simply waving hello?
17. If I can just say something to make you smile, whether funny or sincere, I have accomplished much. A GIFT. 
18. Re-discover yourself - Play with a child.
19. Look at the size of your child's fingers before you judge his work.
20. Make an ordinary kid feel special!! 
21. It's not about being full; it's about being empty.
22. Every string-less, unselfish good deed that you do for others puts an invisible feather in your invisible cap.
23. One woman's garbage is another woman's stud.
24. The difference between a man and a mosquito? A mosquito never gives up.
Humorous
25. People are like beer. If they're a can, they'll bend. If they're a bottle, they'll break.
26. I don't know why the Democrats are so interested in wealth re-distribution. It happens every Saturday in America; it's called yard sales.
27. When the Bible said, "Go forth and multiply," it meant to bear children, not to go forth and gain weight.
28. I hope they reserve a special place in hell for those people who write the instructions for those home assembly products.
29. Our political leaders knowingly lie to us. We return the favor at tax time.
30. Remember when downsizing was just a post-orgasmic situation?
31. A surefire way to stop obesity: Ban clothing!
32. Having a child teaches us patience. Having two children teaches us patience during Armageddon.
33. You're the exclamation fart of the end of a shit.
34. 90% of life is bullshit; the other 10% is trying not to step in it.
35. The scales of justice are definitely not found in the bathroom weight scales.
36. Every man thinks he's a 25-pound weight loss, eyebrow pluck and back shave away from being a perfect TEN.
37. I used to search for the meaning of life. I've called off the search.
38. It's because of a few assholes that the rest of us need vacations.
39. It’s bad when you can't tell if your neighbor is having a yard sale or not.
40. Penis, the other, other, other white meat.
41. You don't truly find out what's your life's value is until after the estate sale.
42. If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry, cry again.
Spiritual
43. Man will create God in his own image.
44. A man with a conscious needs no man-made court.
45. Faith is leaping blindly into the morning shower, assuming the hot water tank is working.
46. To an omnipresent, omniscient, non-linear God, man has already lived his life, with God now watching instant replays and reruns.
47. The quantifying of time was one of the first steps toward the social conformity of man.
48. He, who defines his life with work, will look back and remember such. He, who defines his life with play, will look back and remember such. Neither will look taller than the other. Each will just look over different horizons.
49. I wonder why, when things happen, people attempt to interpret them as blessings.
50. The problem with sweeping everything under the rug is you can't change the decor without conflict.
51. What if mankind has come full circle and God is a computer?
52. Just how far will an average man go without any encouragement?
53. Can God and Allah just get along?
54. I gave up years ago trying to figure out what my silent God wants me to do.
What do you want me to do?
55. God tests everyone. We just do not know what it takes to pass or fail.
56. The words "IF" and "BUT" are simultaneously the most positive and negative words in the dictionary.
57. You can't truly forgive until both your conscious and unconscious agree.
58. Wealth isn't something you own; wealth is something you give.
Reality Sayings
59. Time is the acid that brings life's batteries into submission.
60. The Mirror: A painful glimpse at reality.
61. People worry about going to hell. For some, they get a head start here on earth.
62. The red sports car and the clunker old pick-up truck both go the same speed in a traffic jam.
63. Nothing is worse than watching an average person "prove" they are exceptional.
64. What is the difference between inner city graffiti and white-collar advertising?
65. Your life is like a blender. As each new experience is added, the mixture changes texture, color and flavor; and no matter what is added, you are expected to drink and digest each situation.
66. You have to work just as hard to be an immoral person in a civilized society, as a civilized person in an immoral society.
67. Is it better to be an outcast among a group of crazies or is it better to be accepted by a group of crazies?
68. Somewhere along the line, my dead-end job became my career.
69. Even the most uncaring person wants to be cared for.
70. "Stupid" is often mistaken for "Cool".
71. A little sucking up never hurt anybody.
72. Dementia is only a thought away.
73. Sometimes when you think out of the box, the box crushes you.
74. The older we get, the more we look alike - all the way to the end, when we all look like grave markers.
75. The boot steps on the bug, walks off and forgets. The bug will always remember.
76. You're only fooling yourself, but sometimes that's all who you need to fool.
77. Expect stupidity. You will not be disappointed.
78. Consider yourself successful if you are slightly less miserable than the guy next to you.
79. Life is all about validation.
80. You can't boss stupidity around.
81. Your job is much less stressful when you don't give a damn.
82. Clothes allow even the grossest among us to participate in society.
83. How can you share with someone who only takes?
84. We all make choices. We just can't guarantee the results.
85. Problems occur when someone less knowledgeable is in control.
86. Cops helping us, one ticket at a time.
87. Is this the land of op-por-tun-ity? Or is it the land of give-it-to-me?
88. Even the weeds eventually choke themselves out.